Holding the Boundary: Four Hard Truths
From a young age, we learn to be mindful of others’ feelings. The intent around this is good – we want our children to learn to be kind to other people. However, an unfortunate side effect is that often we learn to put others’ feelings before our own needs. We’re learn to conform and contort ourselves; to avoid making other people feel uncomfortable at all costs. It’s no wonder, that as adults, we have such a difficult time setting healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are the key to living life to the fullest. They are a healthy part of all relationships: at work, at home, and when visiting family and friends. If you have lived your life the way most of us have – putting your own needs behind the feelings of others – it’s very uncomfortable to start setting those boundaries. It is worth it. You’ll have greater satisfaction with your relationships, and your life as a whole.
Where to Start
This part of the post contains affiliate links. I do receive a small commission if you choose to shop my links. I appreciate your support!
If you find that you struggle with setting boundaries, I highly recommend doing some research and seeking professional help to start with. I personally have seen a therapist, and my husband and I also went to marriage counseling early in our marriage. This was transformational for us in setting our marriage up for success. I also highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. My husband and I both read this book and its principles were so helpful to us, and have helped thousands of others, in setting healthy boundaries. I also love Dr. Nicole LePera, otherwise known as @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram. Her book How to Do the Work is a great guided exploration into identifying and undoing unhealthy patterns within yourself, such as chronically overstepping or compromising boundaries.
I’m certainly not a boundary-setting expert like the folks mentioned above, but through my own work, here’s a few hard truths that I’ve learned about boundaries.
1. There’s no need to explain your decisions.
Are you a financially stable, independent adult, living on your own and making your own way in this world? Then, guess what! You don’t actually owe anyone an explanation. Your boss doesn’t need to know why you’re requesting to take PTO (that you earned). The neighbors don’t need to know why you’re giving the baby formula instead of breast milk. Your in-laws don’t need to know how you paid for your family vacation. It’s no one’s business but your own. If you want to share these things with people, that’s OK. But if you’re sharing out of guilt, or fear of being shamed, you’re allowing these folks to overstep boundaries.
2. You can say “No.” And, “No,” is a complete sentence.
As a follow up to #1… believe it or not, it’s okay to say no! I really struggled with this one when I was younger, especially in my twenties. I felt like I had to say “Yes” to everything to show I was a team player, likeable, and easy going. When my daughter was born, and even a couple of years later when my dad got sick, that’s when I really started to learn how to say, “No.” My capacity was maxed-out, and I realized I needed to be able to have space to take care of myself so I could take care of everything else. I learned to let go of some extra-curricular activities and to miss events just to be protective of my capacity. There’s a lot of freedom to be found in the word “No!”
3. You control how much access a person has to your life.
As an adult, you are allowed to control how much access a person has to your life, regardless of what that person’s relationship is to you. Parents, this may be a hard pill to swallow, but your adult children can and should control how much access you have to their business. If you chronically guilt-trip, disrespect, belittle, try to control or shame your adult children, don’t be surprised if they stop calling you. Maintaining a relationship with your adult children means respecting the adults that they have become. Trust me – your adult children value your opinion, and they will ask you for advice when they need it. Unless they ask, though, keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. After all, you worked hard as a parent to raise great kids. Now, it’s time to sit back and enjoy the amazing adults they have become!
4. Big reactions mean that the boundary is working.
You’ve set a boundary with someone you’re close to, and now that person is throwing a full-on tantrum… yelling, crying, throwing insults, shaming… now what do you do? The answer: Let them. People who chronically over-step boundaries are used to breaking someone down until they ultimately get what they want from that person. When that doesn’t happen, they have a big reaction. Remember that you cannot control someone’s reaction to a boundary. You can only control yourself.
This is especially difficult for adult children trying to set boundaries with their parents or older relatives. We are told to respect our elders, and we should! However, respect does not equal, “do exactly what I want you to do for all eternity.” It is ok to gently tell your parents, “No,” and hold that boundary, and it is ok for your parents to occasionally feel disappointed or upset. They are grownups, and they can handle it. If they value having a relationship with you, they will ultimately accept the boundary, and move on.
Now that I’ve raised everyone’s blood pressure… there’s my four hard truths on boundaries! Believe me, nothing about setting boundaries is easy and I still work hard at it every single day. Once everyone gets adjusted to the boundaries that you’ve set, you will find that your relationships are more meaningful and life-giving, and that you’re living the life that you were meant to live. Break out that caution tape, friends. What’s one boundary that you’re going to set this week? Let me know in the comments!
