How to Help a Grieving Friend from a Distance
Whether it’s physical distance, or a personal boundary that you need to set to take care of you, there may come a time when you want to help a friend that’s grieving from a distance. It can be hard to know what to say or do that will actually be helpful for your grieving friend. These past couple of weeks, I’ve been sharing on my Instagram stories that two of our closest friends lost their precious daughter. Ben and I have spent some time since her passing to support our friends through the very early stages of their grief. Our friends live about two hours away from us and we knew that it would be a couple of weeks before we would get to see them. In this blog post, I’m sharing some things that we did to support our friends, as well as some additional ideas on how you can support your grieving loved one from a distance.
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1. Send Text Messages Regularly Without Expecting a Response
Since my friend lost her baby, every time I think of her, I send her a message. Even if I don’t get a response, I still send her messages regularly letting her know that I’m thinking about her. In fact, I never expect a response, because the point is not to get her to engage with me. I just want her to be aware of, and hopefully comforted by, my constant, unwavering support. It’s ok if you don’t know what to say. Sometimes it’s nice to hear “I don’t know what to say, I just want you to know I love you.” As someone who’s grieving myself, I’d rather have your honesty than nothing at all!
When reaching out to your friend, try to avoid asking questions like “How are you?” or “Let me know if you need anything.” I like questions like, “Tell me how it feels to be you right now.” Or, “how was today on a scale of one to ten?” These more open-ended questions may actually get your friend talking and help them process their feelings, and if you use your active listening skills, you may be able to gauge what you can do to be helpful for them. For example, one night my friend told me she’d had a really bad day, so I sent her a funny video of Madison singing “Ariel” songs. She told me the video made her laugh. Madison’s singing didn’t make all the pain and hurt go away, but it did give my sweet friends one small moment of levity. Sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference.
2. Send an Amazon order or Grocery Delivery to their House
With the power of technology and Amazon Prime, you can send just about anything to anyone in two to three business days. Consider sending your friend some groceries or household goods that they may need. If your friend is anticipating guests coming in for funeral services or will be hosting family, consider sending goods like paper plates or even toilet paper to help take off the hosting load. Don’t forget to send some extra soft tissues. I will share all kinds of non-food support items you can give your grieving friend in a separate post!
3. Send cards, gifts, or comforts from home.
Consider sending your friend a custom, one of a kind gift that they will treasure forever. When my dad passed, one of my friends sent me a memorial wind chime. It hangs on my back porch, and I love to listen to it when the wind blows. Megan Burt Art in Franklin, TN, makes custom ornaments for families who’ve had stillborn babies. One of my personal favorites, Made By Mary creates custom, handmade jewelry that will last a lifetime. My friend gifted me one of her tag necklaces with my dad’s initials for Christmas and I wear it almost every day. If custom jewelry or handmade gifts are not in your budget, that’s ok. Send a comfort from home, like a bag of their favorite local coffee, or even just a handwritten note on plain paper. A handwritten card in the good-old-fashioned mailbox can mean the world. One of my “grief blogger” friends, Angie (@butterfliesandhalos) has a shop called Butterflies and Halos that makes cards especially with grievers in mind. She has some more traditional cards, as well as some cheekier styles if your friends appreciates dark humor.
4. Keep the support coming – even after the funeral is over.
One of the hardest parts of the grief process is the “after,” when the funeral happens, and then all the family leaves, everyone goes home, back to work, and “back to normal.” Your friend will be far from normal, and still very much processing all that has happened. Keep sending your notes and support in the weeks and months following the funeral. Acknowledge your friend’s person – their birthday or special milestones, share funny memories or stories about them.
Remember that there is no “back to normal.” Grief is a forever-long journey. Your friend sure is lucky to have you along the road with them!
What were some things that your long-distance friends sent you when you were grieving that were helpful or meaningful? Share with us in the comments!
