A Milestone I’ve Been Dreading

In three and half months, I have already been through some hard milestones already since losing my dad. My dad passed away on my husband’s 31st birthday. Mother’s Day was that same weekend. Then came my sister’s birthday, and Father’s Day immediately after that. Boom, boom, boom. There are still many “firsts” to come that I’m not looking forward to – more birthdays and the holiday season.

There is one milestone, though, that I have been absolutely dreading. Like, sick-to-my stomach, can’t think about it, won’t let my mind go there, dread. I’ve put it out of my mind with such finality that when I realized it was here, it smacked me in the face.

Football season.

I dread doing Gator football without my dad.

My sister and my dad were massive Tampa Bay Lightning fans, and he and I shared Gator Football.

From the time I was a very little kid, my dad started bringing me with him to University of Florida football games. I remember making signs in hopes that I might end up on TV… very unlikely in the nosebleeds where we were, but Dad admired my spirit.

I dressed up in my little cheer leading outfit, and we went. He taught me all the cheers, when to yell for the team, and when to be quiet so the players could concentrate. We wrapped our arms around each other and sang “We are the Boys of Old Florida,” even when I quite pointedly asked him why was it only “boys” and not “girls” in the song.

When I got the email that I was accepted into the University of Florida for Graduate School, he was my first call. It wasn’t just my dream to go to UF – it was my dad’s dream, too. We were both so excited.

Gator football was more than just a hobby, it was sacred to us. In seasons of life when my dad and didn’t have much to say to each other, we could always talk Gator football. What do you think this coach is going to do for us this year? Do you think this quarter back is any good? It always got my dad talking, even the last few months of his life when he was very ill and didn’t want to say much at all.

I will never forget the last football game we ever went to together. Five years ago, my dad was invited to the Presidential Suite for the opening game of the season. He got two passes, and he invited me to go with him. At the time, Dr. Kent Fuchs was President of the University of Florida. Being the good little Student Affairs professional that I was, I absolutely thought the world of him (and still do), and I was so excited to get to be in his suite for the game.

Little did I know, when we sat down in our seats, who comes to sit next to us but President Fuchs and his wife! Right next to us! My dad, who was a shy man but surprisingly bold when it came to his favorite celebrities, said to Dr. Fuchs, “Dr. Fuchs, I want to give you a fist bump after our first touchdown.” Sure enough, the very next play, the Gators scored a touchdown! Dr. Fuchs reached over to my dad for the fist bump. We took a terrible selfie – Dad and I are both cut off – but I will treasure it forever. We were both on cloud nine, and the day sealed the deal as one of my favorite memories with my dad.

Now I just… want nothing to do with it. Without my dad, I don’t feel any excitement for it anymore. It’s just a stinging reminder that he’s not here to share it with. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to see other people talk about it. I just want to pretend football doesn’t exist.

I will hold on to the memories, though. Remind myself how lucky I was to experience those with him. Maybe, if I ever run into Dr. Fuchs one day, I’ll tell him how much that fist bump meant to my dad. I hope that Madison gets to have those special memories with her dad and Granddaddy, too – even if they cheer for the incorrect team. (Ben is from Tallahassee – they cheer for the rival Seminoles.)

“We are all strong for Old Florida, down where the old Gators play. In all kinds of weather, we all stick together for F-L-O-R-I-D-A.”