How I told my Toddler about my Dad’s Death

One of the most gut-wrenching realities of my dad’s passing, was the overwhelming realization that my daughter won’t know him. Don’t get me wrong – my dad very much knew my daughter. In her two-and-a-half years of life, he spent as much time as he could with her. My daughter definitely knew (and still knows) her “Pop.” She talked to him and about him often, and brought him up in conversation even when he wasn’t around.

Thinking about their relationship now, a very distinct memory comes to mind.

In the first few weeks that I went back to work after maternity leave, my mom would pick my daughter up from daycare early, come over to my house, and cook us dinner. Often, my dad would meet us at my house after work, and we’d all have dinner together. One afternoon after work, I came home to find my mom cooking at the stove, and my dad sitting on the couch holding my daughter. It seems like she must have been at least able to support her head, because they were looking at the TV. I was a little annoyed because I was trying to avoid showing her screens, but I stopped myself from interrupting. They had the sweetest moment together there on the couch – my daughter watching her nursery rhyme songs, and my dad singing every single word. It’s a core memory.

Even when he was very sick and couldn’t pick her up or even hold her in his lap, my dad still enjoyed watching her dance and sing around the living room, or hearing her yell, “Night Night, Pop!” as she climbed up the stairs to go to bed. She was truly his pride and joy, and he fought to stay with her as long as he could. One of the last conversations I had with my dad was about how he wanted to be here to watch her grow up.

Planning the Conversation

The day my dad passed, I got a phone call at 2:30 a.m. that Dad wasn’t doing well. I drove to the hospital alone, and left my sleeping child and husband at home. That day, a family friend was kind enough to keep my daughter for a couple of nights so that we could wrap our heads around what had just happened. I knew that I wanted to be very thoughtful about how I would tell her what happened, but to be honest, I was dreading the conversation

This is the part of the Blog Post where I tell you that I am not a child psychologist, nor am I a therapist, or any sort of professional on grief or children at all. If you are struggling with loss, or your child is struggling with loss, please seek professional help. If you are local, I can certainly recommend The Bethany Center as a great resource for children and families navigating grief. I am simply sharing what worked for me, my daughter, and my family.

Approaching this conversation, I considered that my daughter is only two-and-a-half, and there is only so much that she is going to understand about the finality of death. However, I also considered that she probably understands more than I might think, and it would be unfair to be dishonest and pretend that nothing is wrong, or make up some story about my dad going on a long trip or something like that. I wanted to treat her with the respect that she deserves.

Starting the Conversation

When I picked her up from school that day, I went over the conversation over and over again. When my daughter’s teacher opened the door, she ran to me and gave me a big hug. We hadn’t seen each other in a couple of days. I wiped tears from my eyes, and her teacher did, too – we have the very best support system at my daughter’s school. As I started loading her up in the car, I gave her a fidget toy to play with, and then this is what I said.

Conversation Talking Points

1. Pop has gone to Heaven to be with Jesus.
2. We will not see Pop again.
3. We are going to Mimi and Pop’s house. Pop will not be there.
4. Mama, Daddy, Mimi, and Bebe are sad. You may see us crying.
5. It’s ok if you feel sad, or want to cry too.

In my faith, (I am a practicing Christian) I believe that my dad is in Heaven with Jesus, who died for our sins, was resurrected, and ascended into Heaven. We have chosen to raise my daughter in the Christian faith, and she attends a Christian school. She knows who Jesus is, we talk about Him often. So telling her that Pop is with Jesus wouldn’t be a completely new concept to her.

As a Christian, I believe that we will see my dad again, when it is our turn to go to Heaven. However, I felt that telling her “we’ll see Pop again” would be confusing to her. I wanted to set her expectations and make it clear that, in this lifetime, she will not see Pop again. When she is older, she will begin to discover for herself the gift of Heaven and it will be easier to understand. I wanted to make sure, in her two-year-old world, that she was as prepared and understood what to expect as best she could.

Continuing the Conversation

She looked up at me and made a pouty “sad” face, to indicate she understood that it was sad, and then continued to play with her toy. It was an uneventful reaction, which was okay. When we got to my mom’s house, though, she didn’t ask about Pop. In fact, she didn’t ask about Pop for several days. This was unusual, as she normally would talk about him, even if he wasn’t there. So, that was my sign that she understood our conversation.

My dad has been gone for about a month now. It feels much more fresh than that. My daughter has started to talk about him again. She will point to an older gentleman and ask if that’s Pop. I just calmly remind her that Pop is with Jesus in Heaven. She’ll say, “that’s not Pop,” and we move on. If she talks about Pop’s House, or Pop’s Chair, or Pop’s Blanket, I let her. Those are all still his things, and they always will be. I don’t ever want to stop her from talking just to save myself the heartache.

Dear reader – if you ever have to go through something like this, I hope that this was helpful for you. In the end, I believe it made the bond between me and my daughter stronger.

Children’s Books I’ve Used to Continue the Conversation

I have also found that reading children’s books about grief have been helpful for her. I do get a small commission if you choose to purchase the books from my links. The first is The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, which illustrates the unbreakable connection between loved ones. The second is God Gave Us Heaven by Lisa T. Bergren. In the story, Papa Cub and Little Cub talk about Heaven. It is meant to satisfy a child’s most difficult questions about what happens after this life.